A Good Death?

In recent years conversations have opened up around natural death, dying well and having a good death. We might all hope for and work towards a good life and a good death, but what does this really mean?

We might want to pause and consider the words we use. By talking about a natural death, it is possible we create an unspoken ‘unnatural’ death. If we talk about dying well, does that mean we can die badly? And whilst mostly we might understand a good death as well supported, pain free and peaceful, do we run the risk of adding a ‘bad death’ judgement to the pain and distress of those experiencing and witnessing a messy, traumatic death?

Natural death

The words ‘natural death’ can mean a variety of things, and there is an important difference between a natural burial or funeral and a natural death.

The natural burial movement has arisen in recent decades out of a growing awareness of the impact of modern western funeral practices on the natural environment. There is a wealth of information available for people who want to explore this practical approach to disposition of a body, and The Natural Death Centre or the good funeral guide can be a good place to begin.

The idea of a natural death is more loosely understood. Some people choose to have no treatments or interventions that involve pharmaceutical drugs, for example. Some choose to decline attempted cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR). For some it is natural to want any treatment and/or pain relief offered.

Dying is a natural process, whether level of support or intervention accompanies it, and whilst there are many ways to die, dying itself is never unnatural.

The essence of natural death is that it comes down to how you, personally, define natural and what place that has in your values. Each person will have their own perspective, and whilst that might be hard at times, perhaps it is also an opportunity to get to know each other better as individuals.

Dying well

The idea of doing something well can feel to me as though there is some level of assessment involved.  We are assessed in life from an early age, formally in education and work, and informally by our family, friends and wider society. Which raises the questions of what are the criteria against which ‘wellness’ is determined, and of course, who decides?

If we are fortunate we are able to orientate our choices around our own deeply held and ever evolving sense of what ‘well’ means, and show ourselves kindness when we inevitably fall short of that mark.

It is unusual to aspire to doing anything badly. We might aspire to doing important things well. What dying well means is a deeply personal matter, comprised in part by the connections we have with the people and world around us, and ideally respected and supported by those who are alongside us. In reality, finding this place of understanding, and working towards it, can be a challenge, and there might be a place to settle that is ‘good enough’.

A good death 

A good death might be fairly easy to describe. In older age, pain free, peaceful, surrounded by loving care. This is a beautiful image to hold in mind, one I would be delighted to be experience when it comes to my own death.

A good death, perhaps, involves a certain amount of luck.

There are many ways to die and many complex social and personal circumstances surrounding dying. We have limited say in how our bodies die, and some illnesses can be cruel, messy and very hard to be at peace with. Feelings and relationships can shift in unexpected ways as we approach our mortality and dying time, and even with the best care and intention dying can be hard work.

If we fall short of the golden ‘good death’ we hope for, our deaths are not ‘bad’ or lesser. They are human, and part of being human is being complex, at times difficult and inconvenient, just as much as it is being peaceful, connected and at ease.

Death is a transition, whatever the circumstances. Our work as individuals and communities is to honour, respect and value that in ourselves and others.

Your death, your life

The value of meeting your mortality, at any stage, is that you get to consider what your death means to you. Your mortality, with your death in mind, offers you a chance to die, and live, with an integrity and authenticity that perhaps little else does.

We might consider what could be important to us at death, and wonder what that tells us about our life now. We might consider the quality of our relationships, within their limitations, and also our relationship with our self. We might recognise that all of these things change throughout our lives, perhaps right up until the moment we die, and that we can be courageous in showing kindness to ourselves as our life and death unfold.

We can begin to tend to our deaths a long time in advance, or when our mortality leaves us little other choice. We can recognise the preciousness of our time in this life. We can know that there there is no unnatural, no bad, no lesser in death.