Why planning for dying is about living

Dying is an interesting word, as it describes a process of moving towards death, whilst at the same time being an activity that is exclusively for the living. Increasingly as a society we are recognising this, and are expecting better information, participation, empowerment and choice when it comes to our dying time.

Planning for dying

Much like anything big event (a birth, a wedding) planning for dying in advance can give us space to simply be in the time when it comes. It can also happen at any time of life. Years before any signs of serious illness, with just a few weeks of life ahead of us, or any time in between. We might want to think about our wishes for dying, and to create and communicate guidance, instructions and requests.

For many people this might start and end with making a Will. Wills can be a tricky starting point, and a tricky ending point when it comes to advanced planning, and you there is more on that in my blog post, Beyond Making a Will.

With this in mind, holistic advanced planning is about knowing what matters to you, uniquely, as a human being. It is about bringing the pleasures, relationships and stories that define you to the heart of your experience.

When planning for dying acknowledges your whole self, the process of dying has an opportunity to be both full of grief and also beautiful. We might consider:

• How you would like your practical affairs to be, what happens to the things you value

• What your wishes are for end of life care, what medical support you would and would not like

• How you see your relationships being when you die, with individuals and as part of community

• What story you want your life to tell, and what you want to pass on.

Living

In my experience there are two compelling things about this holistic approach to planning for dying.

One is that, in meeting our mortality gently and courageously, we often uncover a knowing of ourselves that may have been hidden under layers of everyday busyness and obligation. The second thing is that,

There is often a gap, small or large, between how we would like things to be when we die and how things are now.

Perhaps we have creative projects we want to finish, or even begin. Perhaps there are things we need to say to people, relationships that need completing. Perhaps we have pets or treasures we need to go to a good home, or many things taking up space in our life that we need to let go of.

These two things are, in a way, a chance to turn off autopilot for a time, and to reduce the risk of one day realising that the babies in our lives are now 40 and were did the time go? Of course, life has its many and varied challenges, and we are often dealing with those immediate problems to the best of our ability. Taking some time to step outside of that, to use our mortality to shift perspective for a time, can be a chance to ground and refocus ourselves.

The beauty of taking a holistic approach to advance planning, is that it can inform every stage of our living. Right up until our last breath, but also far in advance of that. When we are in the final stages of our living, the people around us can know about our needs and wants. And in the meantime, it can guide our decisions around how we are in the world, in our relationships, and even influence what we expect of our society.