Where should I begin?

The good news is, that if you are reading this you have already begun. You have met mortality, on some level, and decided that it is something to engage with and not ignore. You have considered the possibility that meeting with mortality might have something to offer when it comes to living.

Already you have shed some light on what comes next.

In two ways, you have already answered your question:

• One is that simply by asking it you have begun on a path that is paved with questions.

• And two, you have taken the question outside of yourself and sought to answer it in a way that draws on the vast knowledge, experience and wisdom that humans have developed over a forever-time of facing mortality.

Questions

As a death doula my belief is that you are the only person who can provide yourself with answers. My role is to offer perspectives, information, accompaniment and a compassionate space that supports you in exploring how to engage with your mortality.

Dying is a whole person experience, it is closing of your story that goes far beyond making a Will, and deserves the acknowledgement that you are the expert in yourself.

That might feel frustrating, or foggy, when so often we search for certainty in the face of the unknown. But the beauty of working with a death doula, end-of-life doula or soul midwife (terms often used interchangeably) is that we accompany you on the journey of arriving at the destination that you personally want to reach.

It is my belief that offering a practical checklist, and suggesting that your work will be or feel complete when those tasks are ticked off. It would risk you missing out on discovering things about yourself that any professional could not possibly anticipate. On your own or with support, you may well reach a place where you complete an advance decision or Respect form, make an LPA or plan a funeral that reflects your wishes, but that will not be all you do or represent all you will achieve.

When I work with a person, early questions help us both arrive at an understanding of where each personal beginning is. Holistic advance planning recognises you as a whole person, loosely structured around the themes of your worldly goods, health and care, relationships & community and legacy.

Considering those themes can help you find your beginning in this moment. Your beginning might be a need to spend supported time reflecting on your life and legacy. Or it might look like a clear practical goal such as completing an advance decision pack, or a wish to make an important trip. If that is the case, moving forwards might involve more practical considerations, which death doulas work with too.

You can only begin from wherever you already are, and together we can work through what it is you need or wish for. There is no incorrect answer, incorrect path or incorrect destination.

Togetherness

You may be familiar with the saying that it takes a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to die. In our culture death and dying is still a taboo (though becoming less so), and it is very common to have questions, fears, hopes and ideas that occupy plenty of our inner world, but rarely make it out into our ‘villages’ of people.

By asking the question ‘where should I begin?’, you have already begun to recognise that although the answers are deeply personal to you, there are others who can be help you along the way. You might have conversations with the people closest to you, or a stranger on the train who is uncomplicatedly distant, or a trained person in supporting around death and dying such as a death doula or counsellor.

A death doula will recognise that you are the centre of many ripples that spread out into the world. You also absorb the ripples of other people, institutions and culture that influence your life and death.

A death doula will work with you to know about the people, places, pets, property and principles that are important to you and how they form a part of your mortality.

Answers

Sometimes we want to be told what to do. Given clear instructions with the promise that if we follow them all will be well. Dying doesn't work like that, which can be both frustrating and a huge opportunity. My approach follows your needs and wishes, and the closest I can get to giving you a list of where to begin is something that you now already know:

• Ask questions. What matters to you? What aspects of yourself are calling for attention? What would a ‘good’ death look like?

• Approach it together. Recognise the aspects of your life that connect with the world. Take your questions outwards and bring your connections inwards to your consideration of a ‘good’ death.

Where should you begin? You have already begun, and whilst the future can never be certain and death raises so many questions along the winding path of mortality, it is my belief that you have the ability to discover the answers.